Narcissism in Love: A Romantic Comedy of Errors
- Dr. Jon Thompson
- Apr 1
- 9 min read
Ahh love!
Poets wax eloquently about its beauty. Philosophers endlessly debate its meaning. Love, in its purest form, is supposed to be about mutual admiration, thoughtful care, and self-sacrifice. It’s wanting the best for the person loved.
But how do narcissists think of the most praised of all human emotions? They bask in the glow of their own reflection while their partner affirms their every impulse. Those entangled with a narcissist[1], share many relationship similarities with those entangled with drug addicts. The only difference is that the narcissist is snorting lines of validation, not cocaine.
Dr. Jordan Peterson, the fiery Canadian psychologist and public speaker, often talks about the dangers of pathological narcissism in relationships, and Dr. Keith Campbell, co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic, has spent his career detailing how these charmers operate. Drawing from their collective work, I’ve written a darkly amusing portrait of what happens when self-worship collides with romantic love.
The Narcissistic Love Cycle: A 3-Part Shakespearean Tragedy
Act 1: The Idealization Phase (A.K.A. The Love Bombing Extravaganza)
At first, dating a narcissist feels like an all-expense paid trip to fantasyland – passionate confessions, over-the-top gestures, and a sense of feeling completely detached from reality. You’re hit with an overwhelming sense that you’ve found your soulmate. “This must be what love feels like!”
Umm, no.
Dr. Campbell describes this stage as a “courtship on steroids”, where the narcissist floods you with attention, praise, and Lord of the Rings length texts about how you’re the most unique, wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, breathtaking, perfect human being to ever grace God’s green earth.
Dr. Peterson warns that this type of extreme idealization is a big red flag.[2] When someone tells you that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, it’s not flattery – it’s a setup.[3] Narcissists don’t fall in love with you, they fall in love with the idea of you – or more accurately, with the way you make them feel about themselves. This isn’t romance; it’s a TED Talk about their own greatness, and you just happen to be the audience.
As Proverbs 4:23 advises, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This wisdom speaks directly to the importance of discernment in relationships. Love should be tested through time, patience, and genuine selflessness, not swept away in a whirlwind of empty words and endless boxes of chocolates.
Act 2: The Devaluation Phase (A.K.A. “Why Can’t You Be Perfect Like Before?”)
Once the narcissist has secured your devotion, something odd happens: you start to annoy them. Why? Because you exist as a flawed human being.
Forgot to text back fast enough? You must not really love them.
Expressed a different opinion? Clearly, you don’t get them.
According to Dr. Campbell, this is when the narcissist’s entitlement and lack of empathy begins to surface. They start nitpicking, withdrawing affection, and subtly (or not so subtly) making you feel like the world’s biggest disappointment.
Dr. Peterson, in his dissection of dominance hierarchies and human nature, points out that narcissists are wired to seek validation, not intimacy. A real relationship requires vulnerability, compromise, and the ability to admit when you’re wrong – three things a narcissist avoids like I avoid tapioca.[4]
Instead, they create an environment where you’re constantly on edge, chasing the approval they once gave so freely. Think of this phase like an emotional slot machine, and you just keep pulling the lever hoping for another jackpot, but the house always wins.
Christians are called to love as Christ loved, which includes humility, patience, and a willingness to serve. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Love is sacrificial and selfless – two things a narcissist simply can’t grasp. If someone’s “love” feels more like a transaction than a gift, it’s time to reassess.
Act 3: The Discard Phase (A.K.A. “I Was Too Good for You Anyway – Unless You Want Me Back”)
At some point, the narcissist decides that your imperfections outweigh your usefulness in boosting their self-image. Maybe you stopped feeding their ego, or maybe they found a new admirer who laughs a little too hard at their jokes. Either way, they exit stage left, often with a dramatic self-absorbed monologue about how they’re just “not feeling it anymore” or how they “deserve better.”[5]
But wait! There’s more!
Just as you begin to heal and move on, here they come again, texting late at night with cryptic messages like “Hope you’re doing well…” or “I was just thinking about that time we…” (fill in the blank with a nostalgic memory designed to make you question your sanity). This is what Dr. Campbell calls “hoovering” because they can suck you right back in if you’re not careful.[6]
Dr. Peterson’s advice is simple: run. He warns against getting too close to people who thrive on manipulation, power, and games rather than genuine connection. A narcissist doesn’t miss you; they miss the narcissistic supply you provided. You’re nothing but a mirror to them; reflecting back their awesomeness.
How to Escape: The Emergency Evacuation Plan
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, congratulations! You’ve just been cast in a psychological thriller where the plot twist is realizing you’re the one who actually deserves better. Here’s how to make your escape:
Go No Contact.[7] Narcissists thrive on attention, so denying them access to your emotions is the equivalent of taking a TikTok influencer’s WiFi away. No texts. No calls. No stalking their Instagram. Nada. Zip. Zilch. If they refuse to leave you alone, block them – ON EVERYTHING. Silence speaks volumes.
Get a Team. Surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re not crazy. (Sometimes this group includes a therapist or a lawyer.) Narcissists love gaslighting, and after months (or years) of their manipulation, you’ll need a support group that keeps you grounded in reality.
Set Biblical Boundaries. Be firm. Proverbs 22:24 warns, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with someone easily angered.” If you find yourself consistently drawing the short straw of someone’s behavior, distance isn’t just good self-care – it’s obedience to God’s wisdom.
Therapy. A narcissist’s damage doesn’t fade overnight. Through counseling and prayer, allow yourself time to rebuild your sanity. Healing is an act of defiance against their control.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, the best way to protect yourself from narcissistic love is to cultivate self-worth that doesn’t depend on the validation of someone else. As Dr. Peterson often emphasizes, true strength comes from transforming yourself into someone who doesn’t need to be worshipped to feel whole. Love should be about mutual respect, not one person’s endless quest for adoration.
As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Real love is built on authenticity, not performance. At the end of the day, it’s better to be alone and sane than adored and emotionally drained.
[1] Notice I didn’t use the word relationship. What’s that? You thought you could have a relationship with a narcissist? Awe, that’s cute.
[2] Big in the same way you think of the Titanic as big. Or Goliath. Or Zeus. Or Mt. Everest. You get the idea.
[3] This set up is such a common tactic with Narcissists that it has a name: Love Bombing. It’s an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them.
[4] Seriously, who eats that garbage? Tapioca has the consistency of refrigerated snot with the added benefit of fish eyes thrown in for some texture. “But Jon, I like tapioca.” Gag. Get help.
[5] Narcissists say the most outrageous things you’ll ever hear. On one occasion, I heard a guy tell his then girlfriend, “You’re going to have a harder time replacing me than I’ll have replacing you.”
[6] I call people who engage in this type of behavior “Emotional Vampires”. Time, energy, emotions: they’ll suck you dry if you let them.
[7] These steps might sound extreme to you. That’s because they are. Narcissistic behaviors are extreme, and if the intensity of the response doesn’t match the intensity of the behavior nothing will change.
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