Claire is a smart, driven, 24-yr old woman. She’s an active long distance runner and has recently graduated from nursing school. She had just landed her dream job: working in the children’s wing of a hospital, and she absolutely loves it.
But things with her longtime boyfriend, Alex, aren’t going so well. She wrote down “communication and relationship issues” on her intake form as the reason she was seeking counseling. It only took two sessions to discover that she had systematically sabotaged every romantic relationship she’d ever had. This was her cycle:
I want to be loved.
I find someone that loves me.
I become fearful they’ll hurt me by leaving.
I constantly worry and accuse them of abandoning me.
My boyfriend leaves when he realizes he can’t win.
My worst fears are confirmed.
All men will hurt me so I don’t trust them.
…time passes…
8. I want to be loved… (and the cycle continues).
Making rapid progress is a natural byproduct of working with high-capacity achievers. In the first session, she casually mentioned that her father abandoned her and her mother when she was only four. The next time she had any contact with him she was 17. As I explained the above cycle to her, it clicked all at once for her and she broke down crying.
“Claire, I’m worried that I’ve taken you too far too fast. I’ll move as quickly as you want to go, but I worry about overwhelming you. Are you okay?”
My worry isn’t unfounded. One of the primary responsibilities of any good counselor in the initial framework of therapy is to establish trust. I’m worried I haven’t done a good job at that and have committed a cardinal rookie mistake: jumped into problem-solving mode too fast.
“Yes,” she responds as she wipes away her tears. “I’ve just never thought of my relationships like that before."
Claire is tough. Everything in her life is results-driven. A thought flashes through my mind: maybe she doesn’t care so much about trusting me as much as she does about getting results?
I decide to roll the dice. Let’s see where this… she interrupts my thinking:
“I know I sabotage myself. I tell myself to stop; you know – reason myself out of it – but I always end up doing the same thing.”
I’m looking intently at her. I can see the frustration on her face; the sense of defeat. She has no idea she just solved her own riddle.
“You’re smart – I admire that about you. I imagine your intelligence and higher order critical-thinking skills have served you well in life. I imagine you’re good at thinking your way through difficult circumstances. Have you ever met a problem you haven’t been able to solve?”
She smiles slightly, “Not really. Except for this one.”
I wait 10-15 seconds before responding. Too many therapists rush in. In order for a person to thoroughly know a truth they must fight it out. That takes time. And silence.
I begin,
“It’s not working because you’re trying to reason your way out of an emotion. It doesn’t work that way in these types of circumstances. These types of emotions are only displaced by a stronger emotion. What do you feel when you think about your father leaving; when you think about Alex leaving?”
“I feel scared. When my dad left, it was terrible. We were so poor. I’m afraid of that happening again.”
“Why are you a nurse? You could’ve been anything you wanted. Why nursing?”[1]
She’s confused, “I wanted to help people. I want to make a difference.”
“Right. But you could do many different things that help people. Why nursing?”
She’s really struggling, “I really don’t know."
She’s not lying. I can tell that she’s at the edge of her understanding. When clients have given it their best, but their best isn’t good enough, it’s important to help them. I provide her with the missing puzzle piece:
“You went into nursing because you want to be there for people in their hour of need. You want them to rely on you when they need someone the most. You’re redeeming your own broken past by providing to others what your father never gave you. Is this accurate?”
She instantly breaks down in tears again. Her face hidden in her hands. Sobbing, heaving, deep breaths. Smart people are used to being able to figure things out. They’re smart. Not much is beyond them. Sometimes when you unlock a door they’ve been trying to open for years it’s incredibly meaningful to them. She cries for a couple of minutes.
I stay quiet. She needs to grieve the loss.
Eventually she calms herself down enough to reengage me. “That’s it. That’s what I couldn’t put into words.”
“All we’ve done is accurately discover the problem. We’ve only solved the first half of the equation. The other half will require more from you. Like running a marathon, the second half will be tougher than the first. Are you ready?”
“There’s more?!” She shoots me a wry smile. I meet it with my own wry smile. She nods in agreement.
“The Bible says that not everything is good, but that God can work all things together for good. Of course, what your father did wasn’t good – no thinking person would say it was. But the result of his leaving – him abandoning you and your mother – has, in a way, become the purpose of your life. What your father did that could have destroyed you, you have repurposed into one of the deepest structures of meaning in your life. To fully make sense of this, you must reorient yourself toward a deep sense of gratitude for this strange gift. You must choose to live your life from a place of gratitude, and that gratitude will replace the sense of fear you now live in. Please don’t misunderstand me: you’re not thankful for what your dad did. You’re thankful that God worked through what your father did to provide you with the meaning you need to help those in need.”
She’s listening closely. It’s as if she’s seeing something amazing for the very first time. I continue,
“You feel scared when you think about Alex leaving because it reminds you of your father leaving. But if you’re grateful for how God used your father leaving, it frees you from the possibility of Alex leaving. When you understand how grateful you should be for the tremendous opportunity God has given you to help so many people – likely 10’s of thousands by the end of your career – the sense of fear and abandonment you dread will evaporate. This is where you must go. This is how you must think about this. This is the strange gift your father has given you.”
She’s motionless. Staring wide-eyed at me. Unnoticed tears slide down her cheeks. Perhaps 20 seconds of silence pass.
“I’ve never thought of it like that. I feel lighter. Feels cliché to say, but I think you just changed my life.”
I lean forward slightly and make strong eye contact with her. My speech is slow and measured. My tone is calm but resolute, “There’s no going back now, Claire. Now that you know this about your life, God will require you to do something with it.”
And so it is in our own lives.
In order to get to where you need to go, you need to know where, precisely, you want to go and how, precisely, you plan on getting there.
You need a guide.
Luckily, we specialize in getting our clients from where they are, to where they need to be. Thank you to all of our faithful supporters who make these breakthroughs possible.
[1] Sometimes I will deliberately and suddenly switch topics on a client. This serves two purposes: first, it subconsciously links two seemingly unconnected concepts in the client’s mind. Second, it causes confusion; which is useful in specific therapeutic contexts. Genuine confusion signals the person is open to understanding something in a new way.
🏌️♂️🏌️♀️ 8th Annual Golf Classic, September 26! 🏌️♂️🏌️♀️
Presented by
📅 Date: Thursday, September 26
📍 Location: Adams Pointe Golf Club, Blue Springs, MO
⏰ Tee-off Time: 8:30 AM
Join us next month for a day filled with camaraderie, competition, and community support at our 8th Annual Golf Classic! With teams filling up fast, now is the time to register and secure your sponsorships. This tournament offers a fantastic opportunity for businesses and golf enthusiasts alike.
Sponsorship levels provide a chance to promote your business to our golfers and volunteers, with amazing giveaways to feature your logo. Your participation supports our nonprofit counseling office and provides free counseling to students in local public schools. Contact Naomi today to sponsor this outstanding event.
Help us spread the word! Share with friends, fellow business owners, and colleagues about our work in the community. Your help is invaluable in making this our biggest fundraiser of the year.
Secure your spot today and be part of this incredible event! Register now or reach out to Naomi at 816.272.0653 or naomi@peacecounseling.org for questions or sponsorship inquiries.
Join the Fun: Volunteer for Our Golf Tournament!
We're gearing up for an exciting golf tournament on Thursday, September 26th and we need your help! Whether you’re a golf enthusiast or just looking to support a great cause, we have a spot for you. Sign up today and be part of the action!
Not available for the day? Would you like to put together a raffle or silent auction basket? This is another fantastic way to support your local counseling office. Contact Naomi today! - naomi@peacecounseling.org or 816.272.0653.
School is right around the corner and we are once again looking forward to another life-changing school year working with children in the Independence and Blue Springs school districts. Your support continues to make this possible. Thank you for praying, giving, and volunteering to bring healing and peace to the lives of the children and families we serve. Our sincere thanks to our July partners:
To all who have given in response to our spring communication, you are such a blessing! Denise Israel – thank you for your new monthly donation, Mike Johnson – your gift helps someone receive the help they’re seeking, and Chris & Kim Thiele – your continued support means so much to us.
We deeply appreciate the unwavering support of the Jeremiah 924 Foundation. It is a true blessing to work together to transform lives for this generation and beyond. Your generosity makes an immeasurable difference.
Our heartfelt gratitude to Metcalf Auto Plaza, KC Dumpster, Moyer & DesCombes Insurance Agency, Cyndi Eskina, Paths Law Firm, Medicare Planning, and iPlumbKC for your 8th Annual Golf Classic sponsorship. Thank you for helping us bring hope to those who are hurting in our community. Your support is greatly appreciated!
To our new golf team registrants, KC Dumpster, George Kramer, Todd Hedger, and Jason De Jong, we are excited to have you join us this year! Patrick Fryer, Phil Harbison, Wally Rogers, Jay Fulmer, Hill Pro-Motion Physical Therapy, Medicare Planning, Wes Bird, Spencer Watkins, and Church at Coffee Creek, thank you for golfing with us once again. You are playing a part in providing healing for so many.
To all of our faithful monthly and recurring supporters — THANK YOU from our Peace Partnership team! – Stone AMP SEO, Jeff & Lacey Cherry, Zane & Melissa Morerod, Mark McDonald, Jondy & Heather Britton, Matt & Kristy Newton, Tarae Thibeaux, Clayton & Pam Wooldridge, Mark & Cathy McGaughey, Greg & Jennifer Spears, Roger & Jennifer Madsen, Metcalf Auto Plaza, Mike & Jan McGraw, Cory & Leslie Young, Willie & Adia Valdes, Shelly Schuman, Mike & Carol Jackson, Blue Springs Christian Church, Linda Hartman, Dave & Rosie Bourland, Clean Heart Maids, Rudy & Stacy Blahnik, Mike & Tracy Pruitt, Mike & Sandra King, Dan & Gigi Rippee, Andre & Rose Fantasma, Kevin Quinn, Genesis Counseling, Scott & Lydia Hurley, Jon & Naomi Thompson, John Otradovec, Lance & Mandi Pollard, Larry Curtis, Tamara Stroud, Rick & Kathy Daulton, Aaron Linn, Joel & Ruthie Morris, Church at Coffee Creek, John & Vicki Hefner, Jenny Glasgow, Phil & Jo Rydman, Teddy Koehler, Brandon & Vanessa Blanchard, Summit Springs Church, Jason & Val Schram, and Rick & Jan Britton.
We appreciate each and every one of you!
Want to hear more about our work in the community? Contact Naomi Thompson, our Director of Development, at: 816.272.0653 or naomi@peacecounseling.org. We want to get to know you and personally thank you for supporting our mission. To make a donation through our website, please click on the link below.
Have you or someone you know been helped by Peace Partnership or Genesis Counseling? If so, would you please consider paying it forward to help another find healing along their journey? We are asking anyone who is not currently partnering with us financially to consider donating $100/year for the next 3 years to help make a difference in someone else’s life. Collectively, we can help SO MANY PEOPLE! Please consider a gift today. Call the office for help getting your gift set up or choose a recurring donation on our website here. We are so grateful for your help changing lives!
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